A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

God, I thought I knew you.

I thought I really did,

But when I really needed you,

Your face from me you hid.

As I searched for you and struggled

In the death roll of great pain,

What I thought I knew and had known before

Went racing through my brain.

Shattered, broken, shaken…

Something held me from long before,

Planted deep within my spirit—

Some supposed forgotten lore.

A deep voice sang in my ears again—

My heartbeat—the drum beat same,

“Look up, my child, and see the stars,

And know from whence you came.”

ã3 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Instinctively Led

Instinctively Led

With hope as the anchor for my soul

As I feel so tossed and torn,

With steady course before me set,

I walk though weak and worn.

Others tread similar paths

Even though I feel alone.

I know my anchor will continue to hold

Even though I feel cut to the bone.

Confused and clear, numb and pained,

Trauma upon trauma relived,

Agonized hauntings my memories come

To make my whole life sieved.

Yet deep in my heart I hear the voice

Of God speaking to my spirit,

Telling me exactly which way I should go,

And, thankfully, my spirit can hear it.

ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Loneliness

Loneliness

Alone.

The oppressive silence

Cuts into my heart

As I cry

Silent tears.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Only my heartbeat

Answers the cry

Of my heart.

God?

Have even you left me

Alone…

All alone in my sorrow?

No answer…

Except

My aching heart

And tired mind.

Strange, you see,

Because there are so many people

All around…

But no one sees me.

Ignored.

This stuffy bubble

Called isolation—

Not of my choosing

But assigned to me—

Crushes me.

I see the people

And smile…

Try to talk…

But silenced by

Their indifference.

Oh, God!

What’s wrong with me?

Why does nobody want me?

Do you also

Not want me?

I weep.

Silent tears,

Shuddering at an icy wind

That only my heart

Can feel.

Alone,

   Afraid,

      Aching,

Acutely aware that others

Feel as lonely

As I do…

But are they also standing here

   Nearby smiling, chatting…

      And alone, too?

God,

You are everywhere,

So come out, come out

Wherever you are

Because I know

You’re here…

   But where are you?

Why does my heart

Feel all alone

With an aloneness

That cannot be broken through?

Oh, God,

It’s terrible torture

To know and to do

All the right things

And still feel empty…

   And alone.

God,

I know you can hear me,

But why do you—even you—

Hold yourself aloof

From my heart?

And my pain

Of feeling

All

Alone?

Is there no reprieve for good behavior?

O-o-o-oh God!

Help me!

Such lonely aching

I could die from…

But torturously,

I still live…

Alone

Even with you and people

All around me.

Utterly alone.

Oh, God.

This icy wall of separation

Is too penetratingly

An agony…

Oh, God,

If you do not bridge it,

I will die…

Alone.

To know in my head

That you have

Is not enough

If I do not feel you there.

Oh, God,

Please let me know you

And feel your presence

In my aching

Lonely heart.

Ó22 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

 

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Precious Lord, I feeling sad,

And I’m feeling I’ve been had;

With their words they pierce right through me,

For they come merely to screw me.

Precious Lord, would I be bad,

If for once I got real mad?

If I hit them where they hurt most,

Father, Son, and Holy Ghost?

ã1 January 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Sing for Me in Minor Key

Sing for Me in Minor Key

Sing for me in minor key

And syncopate the beat.

Let there be dischordancies.

Let the words repeat.

Sing me a song of pathos:

Tragedy with a flair—

A song to dance and weep about

With a haunting air.

The triumph of the spirit,

A victory of the soul,

Taking all life can give it

And come out well or whole.

Now with brighter tempo,

Sing me in minor key

That bittersweet song of survival

And life abundantly.

ã5 January 1991, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

In Memory -- 9/11 and beyond

In Memory -- 9/11 and beyond

written on Sep 11, 2006

It was a vicious attack and a terrible loss for our whole world. I remember that day as if in a bad trip. I, and so many people around our world, lost friends, family, acquaintances....

For well over a week, my family did not know if some relatives survived or not in the Pentagon. (They did, but still cannot discuss anything....) And, also, we live just seconds or less airtime from where the one plane went down in PA. I had even heard the "boom boom" and smelled the fuel and smoke.

Then more and more lives were and are lost as the Hate continues....

Wars, terror strikes of many kinds from all sides.....

We humans must learn peace. We must. Or, the alternative is just too horrid for thought.

If I could have one wish, I'd wish for us humans to learn to wage peace...
to live and breath and have our being in peace... within ourselves, with each other, and with/in our world/universe.

Peace, my loved ones. May you have peace... real peace.

some further sad reflections

It would be long overdue for the pain and agony of the tragedies of September 11, 2001 to have at least healed considerably, but that is not going to be allowed by those powers that be who need to keep dredging the memories up for various agendas. Nor can those who suffered and do suffer the most rest and begin the really deep healing while there are so many questions left unanswered... and more questions continually are brought up... questions that truly demand answers and accounting for. I don't see this happening either... at least not any time soon.

And with the never-ending war on terror still going on and on, will our world ever find a place for peace and healing? I certainly hope so, but I am not holding my breath just yet.

And yet, I still dream of a time when humankind will finally say Enough! to war and then learn to wage peace. "You may say that I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one..." (Lennon, "Imagine")

And, sometimes dreams are not just all we have... sometimes it is the seed to grow....

May we grow peace.

(C) 11 September 2006, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

My First Remembered Prayer

My First Remembered Prayer

It was in May, the month before my brother was to be born. I was 14 almost 15 months old and the first child and only girl for my parents. My grandfather had taken mom and me to his sister's farm to help there. Mom was in the farmhouse with my great-aunts cooking and doing various chores. I wandered off to my favorite safe place on a rock beside a babbling creek in between 2 wooded hills. The sun and the breeze danced with the trees to make dappled dancing shadows and light. A black snake sat beside me on the rock, taking in the warmth of the spring sunshine that sometimes managed to shine down on the rock.

Then that living Light that I had loved since I was born was there, dancing all around. The water in the creek, the trees, the rocks, the birds, the snake... everything was alive and singing and dancing before my eyes and heart. I felt like warm, sweet, electrified, tingling, living honey was flowing through me. I knew this Being's Name... Love... The All That Is... God.

My heart heard the question, "what would you most want, Daphne?" I smiled with delight and without hesistation said, "I want a real smile, real tears, real laugh... I want to be Love. I want to be just like You."

And so was my heart's desire all my life. Every time I meet the Living Light, I fall in love with Love again and want to be just like Love... to be Love... to be a beckoning sign for others also to fall in love with the Great Love.

 

(C.) Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 8 February 2010.