Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Loneliness

Loneliness

Alone.
The oppressive silence
Cuts into my heart
As I cry
Silent tears.

Hello?
Can anyone hear me?

Only my heartbeat
Answers the cry
Of my heart.
God?
Have even you left me
Alone…
All alone in my sorrow?

No answer…
Except
My aching heart
And tired mind.

Strange, you see,
Because there are so many people
All around…
But no one sees me.

Ignored.

This stuffy bubble
Called isolation—
Not of my choosing
But assigned to me—
Crushes me.

I see the people
And smile…
Try to talk…
But silenced by
Their indifference.

Oh, God!
What’s wrong with me?
Why does nobody want me?
Do you also
Not want me?

I weep.
Silent tears,
Shuddering at an icy wind
That only my heart
Can feel.

Alone,
   Afraid,
      Aching,
Acutely aware that others
Feel as lonely
As I do…
But are they also standing here
   Nearby smiling, chatting…
      And alone, too?

God,
You are everywhere,
So come out, come out
Wherever you are
Because I know
You’re here…
   But where are you?

Why does my heart
Feel all alone
With an aloneness
That cannot be broken through?

Oh, God,
It’s terrible torture
To know and to do
All the right things
And still feel empty…
   And alone.

God,
I know you can hear me,
But why do you—even you—
Hold yourself aloof
From my heart?
And my pain
Of feeling
All
Alone?

Is there no reprieve for good behavior?

O-o-o-oh God!
Help me!
Such lonely aching
I could die from…
But torturously,
I still live…
Alone
Even with you and people
All around me.

Utterly alone.

Oh, God.

This icy wall of separation
Is too penetratingly
An agony…

Oh, God,
If you do not bridge it,
I will die…
Alone.

To know in my head
That you have
Is not enough
If I do not feel you there.

Oh, God,
Please let me know you
And feel your presence
In my aching
Lonely heart.
Ó22 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

 


Crash! Went the Facade

Crash! Went the Facade

A fantasy kingdom,
A life built on lies,
A house made of cards.
A heart in disguise,
A roof full of holes…
I now realize
As memory returns
A shocking surprise
I’ve known all along—
Right before my eyes!
Never put together—
Now the truth will arise
In my heart in my mind,
As I know of assurance
What I greatly despise
Was done to me;
My memory denies
I’ve made it up—
Now the truth for the lies…
Will set me free???
Oh, God! For the lies!
Ó17 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

And the Child Cries

And the Child Cries

Guilty! Branded!
Declared unclean!
Pariah! Scum!
What does it mean?

To be shunned,
To be outcast,
Outside, unwanted…
How long will this last?

Hurting so deeply,
Yet feeling numb,
And being too smart
Just to play dumb.

Aching and empty
Yet trying to hope,
Fears, hurt, anger,
Trying to cope.

Yet what have I done
To be treated this way?
It must be quite horrible
Because no one will say.
ã23 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Panic Attack

Panic Attack

Cold, slimy fingers creeping up my spine…
   Body hair stands up.
      GASP!
Can’t breathe.
   Pounding heart.
      Dry tongue.

         Sweat.


A nameless terror tingles my colon.
   A knot here…
      And there…

PAIN!!
   Tense.
Eyes w-I-d-e open…
   Yet blind.

Straining ears are deaf.

Chilled,
   Yet burning up
      By turns.
Racing thoughts.

Escape!!!

Yet paralyzed.
Even tears have fled the scene…
   Silently screaming
IN PANIC!!!!!

Yet remaining
   Deadly
      Still.
ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

I’ve Heard This One Before

I’ve Heard This One Before

Oh, little one, stop crying now,
For you are now safe and sound.
Just settle down within my arms.
Let your heart now cease to pound.

Rest your head upon my chest
And rest your troubled mind.
It really is quite pleasant, dear,
To take you from behind.

No, don’t scream from pain or fear.
Don’t anyone disturb.
You’re all right within my arms,
So don’t you me perturb!

There, there, it’s over now.
That wasn’t so very bad.
It’s just because I love you so.
Now aren’t you very glad?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

Mommy, where are you?
I need you right now!
I’ve always tried to please you,
But could you please tell me how?

It seems the very best I do
Is never really enough
To meet your expectations of me,
So you treat me very rough.

Am I really so offensive
That you cannot treat me right?
Isn’t it cruel to say one day
That you just might…

…might what?
Am I not allowed to know?
Or is this just your way to say
You’ll keep me under toe?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh daddy,
Please love your little girl.
I’m scared, oh so frightened.
Let me in your lap curl.

Daddy, oh daddy,
I am a wee, wee tot.
I only want to laugh and play.
I don’t know what’s right, what’s not.

But daddy, oh my daddy,
I do not understand
Why you say you love me,
But on the other hand…

…daddy? Oh daddy?
Why does your love hurt so?
Why does what should bring me up
Make me feel so low?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.