My Nightmare Side of Life Quotes

The Nightmare Side of Life Quotes

17/06/11Why take the drugs when you can live here & have a bad trip anytime you like? The only side effects are insanity with a bad attitude. No boredom, but it comes with a big price tag - you'll never know what is reality ever was... if there even IS a reality, one that seems never to go away. Welcome to the nightmare time. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

15/09/10Do we ever in this life know why things turn out as they do? Some of what we think of as our worst flaws saves us much grief while some of our best strengths don't help when we think they should. Still, all works together for us in ways we don't always see. Nothing is as it appears. So, I say relax more, enjoy, & work with whatever happens. Might as well smile, too. It's free. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

21/01/11Brave smiles to hide the tears ripping a living heart asunder. Such sad eyes. Why can I not reach you with my hands? You are so far. But, I can reach you with my heart. Can I move mountains to love you? Will it be enough? So many mountains need a very big heart. I can & I must try. Love & Life demand it. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

22/01/11Decades later she still heard the terrified screams, smelt the blood. The words "she talked" burned, locked her in an extreme-still silence. No visible sign of emotion was safe. Ultra-sweet compliance was her defiance & survival. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, Baby Tears

25/01/11Moment by moment I am training myself to respect all of me as a whole & worthwhile person. I am learning to turn scared into sacred. I am learning that I really am who I am, & who I am is exactly who I was meant to be. I am learning this is the same for all my relations in creation. AND, it is a joy. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

26/01/11I hated my body until I realized it was how I heard, saw, tasted, felt, smelt, & experienced life. Without my humble body functioning despite all it goes thru, I would not be here. I could not love, laugh, think, or enjoy all I have so far. So, I am learning to love & bless my body. It's about time. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

12/03/11So, are we all to live in The City of Embers as surviving mutant ninja humans, considering all the radiation from so many sources upon us? Dr. Strangelove had it easy, you know. We have to stop worrying & learn to love the meltdown. *macabre humor for disaster management* ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

15/03/11Japanese people are NOT the enemy or to be hated, vilified, or shown condemnation for the horrors they are facing now. They do NOT deserve this disaster. They need compassion, help, & support from the rest of us who also inhabit this planet. We are ALL human. All of us need kindness. None of us are truly "righteous." We are in this together, folk. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

15/03/11The people, dead or surviving, of the many disasters - from "natural" or war-made causes - do not deserve the horrors or our condemnation. Folk, smugness does not protect us from horror(s) happening to us, too. We are human on this planet together. We need each other badly.. always have... maybe now we will learn this in reality please. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

01/04/11Radiation is safe. Toxic sludge is good for you. Poisoned primal ooze on your beach is clean. I'm from the gov't., & I'm here to help you. I think I hear Orwell rolling in his grave with envy on these slogans somehow. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

10/05/11Weeping inwardly while outwardly unsually still. Big eyes, sad. Laughing, loving, but mostly silent. Drawing. Writing. Music. Books. Smiling. Except the eyes. Watching. Knowing. Secrets, dark, deep. Silent. ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

09/06/11So often wannabes, charlatans, frauds of all kinds do hitch onto a cause to make a name, money, power, etc. It is one of the despicable things about our species. Trouble is... too many of our species will fall for the fake "messiahs" without much thinking or checking involved. :( ~ Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw

© 2010, 2011, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Please Don’t Leave Me Here All Alone

Please Don’t Leave Me Here All Alone

Away you go on a trip of which I cannot join,

And I am afraid.

Afraid you’ll go never to return;

Afraid you’ll die;

Frightened I’ll never see you alive again;

Frightened I’ll be alone

Forever…

Left behind…

Forgotten and unloved…

Unclaimed.

Unwanted forever.

ã19 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

To Be Fully Aware

To Be Fully Aware

Pensively searching, questioning within,

Analyzing, sifting, scanning without stop

The whole of my life—and not just what appears

On the surface…

The eyes of my heart,

The heart of my soul,

My very essence,

My spirit…

Watches,

Searches,

Seeks,

And knows

Far more than I dare accept now,

But if I opened myself to all my perceptions

And lived by my real convictions,

Would I be happier, wholer?

Or would I be more threatening, threatened?

ã19 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

The Reclaiming of Me

The Reclaiming of Me

Why does it matter what you think of me?

Why should I be bothered by what you say or see?

Why does it upset me if you think I’m bad?

And why does it scare me if I think you’re mad?

Why do I not see myself as a person of great worth?

Why do I not see myself as valuable to Mother Earth?

Why must I torture myself, tear myself apart?

Why must I never heal the great sorrow of my heart?

Why can’t I see myself as a beautiful, strong woman?

Why can’t I just be me, under the thumb of no one?

Why do I hesitate to take up this warrioress’ fight?
 

Why do I not trust myself to my vision and my sight?

Now I see it more clearly—the gynecidal plot

That tried to keep me trapped within something that I am not.

Arise, my soul, be strong against your foe,

For everything you really need inside your heart you know.

ã4 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

God, I thought I knew you.

I thought I really did,

But when I really needed you,

Your face from me you hid.

As I searched for you and struggled

In the death roll of great pain,

What I thought I knew and had known before

Went racing through my brain.

Shattered, broken, shaken…

Something held me from long before,

Planted deep within my spirit—

Some supposed forgotten lore.

A deep voice sang in my ears again—

My heartbeat—the drum beat same,

“Look up, my child, and see the stars,

And know from whence you came.”

ã3 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Recovery

Recovery

Pain, how I hate you,

You excruciating fiend,

Who causes me to cry out with the agony

Of a tortured mind and heart

That tears and ruins my body

And destroys my very soul.

You’ve made my life as miserable

As you possibly could…

But, you failed.

I live. I cry.

I breathe. I sigh.

I think. I try.

I love. Oh, my!

Pain, you gave all you could,

And you still try to wear me down,

But you might as well give up

Because I will banish you one day to hell…

You cannot ruin my spirit—

I will overcome!

I am a survivor, and I will fight you…

And the battle’s just begun!

ã17 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

OK, But Don’t Tell Me I’m Going to Like It!

OK, But Don’t Tell Me I’m Going to Like It!

What do you do when you’re all alone

And it strikes?

You cannot scream loud enough,

Or get numb enough,

Or run fast enough,

Or sleep deep enough

To escape again.

And you know escape is not even the answer.

But how do you welcome torment,

Embrace agony,

Beckon to torture,

Entreat misery,

Cohabit with trauma,

Flirt with devastation?

And damn it all! That’s the only way out.

ã31 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Instinctively Led

Instinctively Led

With hope as the anchor for my soul

As I feel so tossed and torn,

With steady course before me set,

I walk though weak and worn.

Others tread similar paths

Even though I feel alone.

I know my anchor will continue to hold

Even though I feel cut to the bone.

Confused and clear, numb and pained,

Trauma upon trauma relived,

Agonized hauntings my memories come

To make my whole life sieved.

Yet deep in my heart I hear the voice

Of God speaking to my spirit,

Telling me exactly which way I should go,

And, thankfully, my spirit can hear it.

ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Loneliness

Loneliness

Alone.

The oppressive silence

Cuts into my heart

As I cry

Silent tears.

Hello?

Can anyone hear me?

Only my heartbeat

Answers the cry

Of my heart.

God?

Have even you left me

Alone…

All alone in my sorrow?

No answer…

Except

My aching heart

And tired mind.

Strange, you see,

Because there are so many people

All around…

But no one sees me.

Ignored.

This stuffy bubble

Called isolation—

Not of my choosing

But assigned to me—

Crushes me.

I see the people

And smile…

Try to talk…

But silenced by

Their indifference.

Oh, God!

What’s wrong with me?

Why does nobody want me?

Do you also

Not want me?

I weep.

Silent tears,

Shuddering at an icy wind

That only my heart

Can feel.

Alone,

   Afraid,

      Aching,

Acutely aware that others

Feel as lonely

As I do…

But are they also standing here

   Nearby smiling, chatting…

      And alone, too?

God,

You are everywhere,

So come out, come out

Wherever you are

Because I know

You’re here…

   But where are you?

Why does my heart

Feel all alone

With an aloneness

That cannot be broken through?

Oh, God,

It’s terrible torture

To know and to do

All the right things

And still feel empty…

   And alone.

God,

I know you can hear me,

But why do you—even you—

Hold yourself aloof

From my heart?

And my pain

Of feeling

All

Alone?

Is there no reprieve for good behavior?

O-o-o-oh God!

Help me!

Such lonely aching

I could die from…

But torturously,

I still live…

Alone

Even with you and people

All around me.

Utterly alone.

Oh, God.

This icy wall of separation

Is too penetratingly

An agony…

Oh, God,

If you do not bridge it,

I will die…

Alone.

To know in my head

That you have

Is not enough

If I do not feel you there.

Oh, God,

Please let me know you

And feel your presence

In my aching

Lonely heart.

Ó22 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

 

Crash! Went the Facade

Crash! Went the Facade

A fantasy kingdom,

A life built on lies,

A house made of cards.

A heart in disguise,

A roof full of holes…

I now realize

As memory returns

A shocking surprise

I’ve known all along—

Right before my eyes!

Never put together—

Now the truth will arise

In my heart in my mind,

As I know of assurance

What I greatly despise

Was done to me;

My memory denies

I’ve made it up—

Now the truth for the lies…

Will set me free???

Oh, God! For the lies!

Ó17 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

And the Child Cries

And the Child Cries

Guilty! Branded!

Declared unclean!

Pariah! Scum!

What does it mean?

To be shunned,

To be outcast,

Outside, unwanted…

How long will this last?

Hurting so deeply,

Yet feeling numb,

And being too smart

Just to play dumb.

Aching and empty

Yet trying to hope,

Fears, hurt, anger,

Trying to cope.

Yet what have I done

To be treated this way?

It must be quite horrible

Because no one will say.

ã23 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Panic Attack

Panic Attack

Cold, slimy fingers creeping up my spine…

   Body hair stands up.

      GASP!

Can’t breathe.

   Pounding heart.

      Dry tongue.

         Sweat.

A nameless terror tingles my colon.

   A knot here…

      And there…

PAIN!!

   Tense.

Eyes w-I-d-e open…

   Yet blind.

Straining ears are deaf.

Chilled,

   Yet burning up

      By turns.

Racing thoughts.

Escape!!!

Yet paralyzed.

Even tears have fled the scene…

   Silently screaming

IN PANIC!!!!!

Yet remaining

   Deadly

      Still.

ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

I’ve Heard This One Before

I’ve Heard This One Before

Oh, little one, stop crying now,

For you are now safe and sound.

Just settle down within my arms.

Let your heart now cease to pound.

Rest your head upon my chest

And rest your troubled mind.

It really is quite pleasant, dear,

To take you from behind.

No, don’t scream from pain or fear.

Don’t anyone disturb.

You’re all right within my arms,

So don’t you me perturb!

There, there, it’s over now.

That wasn’t so very bad.

It’s just because I love you so.

Now aren’t you very glad?

ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

Mommy, where are you?

I need you right now!

I’ve always tried to please you,

But could you please tell me how?

It seems the very best I do

Is never really enough

To meet your expectations of me,

So you treat me very rough.

Am I really so offensive

That you cannot treat me right?

Isn’t it cruel to say one day

That you just might…

…might what?

Am I not allowed to know?

Or is this just your way to say

You’ll keep me under toe?

ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh daddy,

Please love your little girl.

I’m scared, oh so frightened.

Let me in your lap curl.

Daddy, oh daddy,

I am a wee, wee tot.

I only want to laugh and play.

I don’t know what’s right, what’s not.

But daddy, oh my daddy,

I do not understand

Why you say you love me,

But on the other hand…

…daddy? Oh daddy?

Why does your love hurt so?

Why does what should bring me up

Make me feel so low?

ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

But, We All Knew You Lied

But, We All Knew You Lied

Through the eyes of innocence

You saw yourself laid bare,

And because you could not handle it,

You made yourself not care.

The pleading eyes of a frightened child

Clutched your heart each time,

But you couldn’t face yourself just then,

So your child became just slime.

The silence roared through fiery eyes

That continued to hope and plead,

Wounded, alone, and buried alive

Under a heart that would continually bleed.

Why? The eyes asked.

How could you do it? They cried.

But, I love you, you said,

And the child wouldn’t believe you lied.

ã19 January 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

Precious Lord, I feeling sad,

And I’m feeling I’ve been had;

With their words they pierce right through me,

For they come merely to screw me.

Precious Lord, would I be bad,

If for once I got real mad?

If I hit them where they hurt most,

Father, Son, and Holy Ghost?

ã1 January 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Fine, Fine, We’re All Fine, Thank You

Fine, Fine, We’re All Fine, Thank You

It isn’t there.

I didn’t see.

I don’t know.

Why ask me?

I didn’t feel it.

I didn’t touch.

 

I didn’t fake it.

No, not much.

I don’t remember.

What do you mean?

Do not disturb.

Don’t be seen.

Do not talk.

Play pretend.

Rigid smiles.

No more friends.

I didn’t hear it.

I didn’t say.

Evade the question.

No dismay.

Blank expression.

Vacant eyes.

Avoidance is

A ghast disguise.

ã8 January 1991, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Of Living as in a Fog

Of Living as in a Fog

What brings this gloomy thickness

Of living as in a fog,

Where mourns the death of innocence

Yet not admit the fall?

Why think it odd the pain you feel

Or the burden borne?

Think you’re not like the others now?

Think you’re different?

By your own words you admit it so:

You are their kith and kin.

No temptation have you felt thus far

That is not common to man.

ã6January 1991, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Sing for Me in Minor Key

Sing for Me in Minor Key

Sing for me in minor key

And syncopate the beat.

Let there be dischordancies.

Let the words repeat.

Sing me a song of pathos:

Tragedy with a flair—

A song to dance and weep about

With a haunting air.

The triumph of the spirit,

A victory of the soul,

Taking all life can give it

And come out well or whole.

Now with brighter tempo,

Sing me in minor key

That bittersweet song of survival

And life abundantly.

ã5 January 1991, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw