Friday, June 3, 2011

She Never Married

She Never Married
For Vivian Taylor, A Friend and Landlady
 (*loosely based on her story)

“Sweet lover, be safe as you fly from this place
To your missions in the Pacific.
I will await your return for then do we wed
After Guam, Midway, and ‘Unspecific.’”

Many letters she wrote, many pictures she sent,
Care packages when she was able…
While meanwhile she worked as a nurse and an aide
Though times were very unstable.

Sometimes he would write when he had the time
For combat, of time, was commanding.
Assuring him forever she would be true
Even though he was not so demanding.

This gave them both hope and a measure of joy
In the face of great fearful unknowing
Of where he would be, or if he would be
A part of a blood crop then sowing.

A year thereabout after he flew
Away from his love at the airport,
Two soldiers in blue came to her home
With the most regrettable report.

She took it quite well until they were gone
Then she collapsed on the sunroom divan,
Crying, “Sweet lover, be safe as you fly from this place
Until I join you in your mission in heaven.”

© Copyright, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 2000.
All rights reserved.

Flashback to Mekong: The War in Viet Nam

Flashback to Mekong: The War in Viet Nam
For Dustin Massie, Daniel Massie, David Massie,
Wayne Massie, and James Delong, My Cousins Who
All served willingly and honorably

And still the evil fought through lives
In minds and bodies all tattered
With memories of a limb or an ear
Or a child blown up and scattered.

Flashback to the now of the time when we hid
From the nightmare of still living
With a best friend’s right arm,
All that was left, of the life he was giving…

For a country who hated us…
In a country who hated us…
No reprieve.

Nineteen years old and proud of this land
Of our birth, our family, and teaching,
Many were drafted, so they couldn’t say no,
Regardless of the masses loud screeching.

War heroes, yeah right, stoned out of our minds
Blinding to terrors more real
Than any horror king knows,
And in our souls they live with us still…

For a country who hated us…
In a country who hated us…
No reprieve.

© Copyright, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 2000.
All rights reserved.

A Mother Cries for Her Fallen Son

A Mother Cries for Her Fallen Son
For Mrs. Goldcamp, Our Neighbor

Never will the guns be so silent
As the silence after death
Of those fallen to fight “the cause juste.”

Is a common life so shorn
Or youth so plentiful
To be offered up this way
By the wrathful God
Who has known not childbirth
Nor the enfolding of life
Into one’s arms, one’s heart, one’s womb?

In righting wrongs,
Did my son, my own,
Die suffering?
Did he fear the end when it came?
Did he know my love
Would outlast the grave…

Was this just cause worth this blood sacrifice
Offered to the God of war…
That tears my heart always?

Ah, my son, brave man and true,
Willing soldier, mother’s pride,
Well fought against madmen gone berserk
Setting the world on fire again.

Sleep now, my son,
For the guns are now dreadfully silent
But still at ready for
Another mother’s son.

© Copyright, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 2000.
All rights reserved

During World War I

During World War I
For Grandpa Earl McKinley Bradshaw

A limb for a limb, a trunk for a trunk,
Broken bodies under broken trees
Across a land of holes and shells…
And still the artillery fired,
Bombs igniting an inferno Dante never knew—
The nightmare that was.

More men died from tree fall than gunfire,
Branches of weapons old yet new
Still brought the same end.
Dead is dead regardless of how…
And the remaining few do live?

Foreign borne to soil blood knows new yet old;
Wash it now in sanguined mud,
The creosote of millennia burst aflame—
The hatred, the fear, and the passion…

Friends fought beside now gone…
A man deemed enemy wasted,
Human parts flayed bare are seen…
But not…
Can such deep wounds of land or breast
Ever heal again?

© Copyright, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 2000.
All rights reserved.

The Korean War

The Korean War
For John Lewis Bradshaw, My Father

That blue square with the white letters
When sited target makes
Upon helmet or upon uniform,
Coppery, salty red lakes.

It’s not our war, but we are there
To save a peninsula from Red Peril,
We carry the war, to our dismay,
Like fish caught in a barrel.

A human wave poured out upon
The Father against the Son…
Divide them up and let them have
Demilitarized zone, not won…

Then let our soldiers coming out
Find a Red Cross no friend…
Not only give blood to pay blood
But also their own coins they spend.

© Copyright, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw, 2000.
All rights reserved.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

The Real Within

The Real Within

Protection that is only without
Cannot protect the within,
For what is without can be taken away,
But what is within remains.
In death we cannot take the without.
Only our realness within will go.
ã19 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

To Be Fully Aware

To Be Fully Aware

Pensively searching, questioning within,
Analyzing, sifting, scanning without stop
The whole of my life—and not just what appears
On the surface…
The eyes of my heart,
The heart of my soul,
My very essence,
My spirit…
Watches,
Searches,
Seeks,
And knows
Far more than I dare accept now,
But if I opened myself to all my perceptions
And lived by my real convictions,
Would I be happier, wholer?
Or would I be more threatening, threatened?
ã19 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

The Reclaiming of Me

The Reclaiming of Me

Why does it matter what you think of me?
Why should I be bothered by what you say or see?
Why does it upset me if you think I’m bad?
And why does it scare me if I think you’re mad?

Why do I not see myself as a person of great worth?
Why do I not see myself as valuable to Mother Earth?
Why must I torture myself, tear myself apart?
Why must I never heal the great sorrow of my heart?

Why can’t I see myself as a beautiful, strong woman?
Why can’t I just be me, under the thumb of no one?
Why do I hesitate to take up this warrioress’ fight?
 
Why do I not trust myself to my vision and my sight?

Now I see it more clearly—the gynecidal plot
That tried to keep me trapped within something that I am not.
Arise, my soul, be strong against your foe,
For everything you really need inside your heart you know.
ã4 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

A New Awakening to an Old Knowing

God, I thought I knew you.
I thought I really did,
But when I really needed you,
Your face from me you hid.

As I searched for you and struggled
In the death roll of great pain,
What I thought I knew and had known before
Went racing through my brain.

Shattered, broken, shaken…
Something held me from long before,
Planted deep within my spirit—
Some supposed forgotten lore.

A deep voice sang in my ears again—
My heartbeat—the drum beat same,
“Look up, my child, and see the stars,
And know from whence you came.”
ã3 December 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Un-Mazing of Being

Un-Mazing of Being

That forbidden pleasure-terror curiosity
Hunting the Truth—
If ever mystical creature quested
Perchance be discovered, known—
The best of fantasies—
The worst of tragedies—
Thrilled to pursue
Ecstasy of mystery—
Be it ever unknown—
ã22 February 1995, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Recovery

Recovery

Pain, how I hate you,
You excruciating fiend,
Who causes me to cry out with the agony
Of a tortured mind and heart
That tears and ruins my body
And destroys my very soul.
You’ve made my life as miserable
As you possibly could…
But, you failed.
I live. I cry.
I breathe. I sigh.
I think. I try.
I love. Oh, my!

Pain, you gave all you could,
And you still try to wear me down,
But you might as well give up
Because I will banish you one day to hell…
You cannot ruin my spirit—
I will overcome!
I am a survivor, and I will fight you…
And the battle’s just begun!
ã17 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

OK, But Don’t Tell Me I’m Going to Like It!

OK, But Don’t Tell Me I’m Going to Like It!

What do you do when you’re all alone
And it strikes?
You cannot scream loud enough,
Or get numb enough,
Or run fast enough,
Or sleep deep enough
To escape again.

And you know escape is not even the answer.

But how do you welcome torment,
Embrace agony,
Beckon to torture,
Entreat misery,
Cohabit with trauma,
Flirt with devastation?

And damn it all! That’s the only way out.
ã31 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Instinctively Led

Instinctively Led

With hope as the anchor for my soul
As I feel so tossed and torn,
With steady course before me set,
I walk though weak and worn.

Others tread similar paths
Even though I feel alone.
I know my anchor will continue to hold
Even though I feel cut to the bone.

Confused and clear, numb and pained,
Trauma upon trauma relived,
Agonized hauntings my memories come
To make my whole life sieved.

Yet deep in my heart I hear the voice
Of God speaking to my spirit,
Telling me exactly which way I should go,
And, thankfully, my spirit can hear it.
ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Loneliness

Loneliness

Alone.
The oppressive silence
Cuts into my heart
As I cry
Silent tears.

Hello?
Can anyone hear me?

Only my heartbeat
Answers the cry
Of my heart.
God?
Have even you left me
Alone…
All alone in my sorrow?

No answer…
Except
My aching heart
And tired mind.

Strange, you see,
Because there are so many people
All around…
But no one sees me.

Ignored.

This stuffy bubble
Called isolation—
Not of my choosing
But assigned to me—
Crushes me.

I see the people
And smile…
Try to talk…
But silenced by
Their indifference.

Oh, God!
What’s wrong with me?
Why does nobody want me?
Do you also
Not want me?

I weep.
Silent tears,
Shuddering at an icy wind
That only my heart
Can feel.

Alone,
   Afraid,
      Aching,
Acutely aware that others
Feel as lonely
As I do…
But are they also standing here
   Nearby smiling, chatting…
      And alone, too?

God,
You are everywhere,
So come out, come out
Wherever you are
Because I know
You’re here…
   But where are you?

Why does my heart
Feel all alone
With an aloneness
That cannot be broken through?

Oh, God,
It’s terrible torture
To know and to do
All the right things
And still feel empty…
   And alone.

God,
I know you can hear me,
But why do you—even you—
Hold yourself aloof
From my heart?
And my pain
Of feeling
All
Alone?

Is there no reprieve for good behavior?

O-o-o-oh God!
Help me!
Such lonely aching
I could die from…
But torturously,
I still live…
Alone
Even with you and people
All around me.

Utterly alone.

Oh, God.

This icy wall of separation
Is too penetratingly
An agony…

Oh, God,
If you do not bridge it,
I will die…
Alone.

To know in my head
That you have
Is not enough
If I do not feel you there.

Oh, God,
Please let me know you
And feel your presence
In my aching
Lonely heart.
Ó22 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

 


Crash! Went the Facade

Crash! Went the Facade

A fantasy kingdom,
A life built on lies,
A house made of cards.
A heart in disguise,
A roof full of holes…
I now realize
As memory returns
A shocking surprise
I’ve known all along—
Right before my eyes!
Never put together—
Now the truth will arise
In my heart in my mind,
As I know of assurance
What I greatly despise
Was done to me;
My memory denies
I’ve made it up—
Now the truth for the lies…
Will set me free???
Oh, God! For the lies!
Ó17 January 1993, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

And the Child Cries

And the Child Cries

Guilty! Branded!
Declared unclean!
Pariah! Scum!
What does it mean?

To be shunned,
To be outcast,
Outside, unwanted…
How long will this last?

Hurting so deeply,
Yet feeling numb,
And being too smart
Just to play dumb.

Aching and empty
Yet trying to hope,
Fears, hurt, anger,
Trying to cope.

Yet what have I done
To be treated this way?
It must be quite horrible
Because no one will say.
ã23 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Panic Attack

Panic Attack

Cold, slimy fingers creeping up my spine…
   Body hair stands up.
      GASP!
Can’t breathe.
   Pounding heart.
      Dry tongue.

         Sweat.


A nameless terror tingles my colon.
   A knot here…
      And there…

PAIN!!
   Tense.
Eyes w-I-d-e open…
   Yet blind.

Straining ears are deaf.

Chilled,
   Yet burning up
      By turns.
Racing thoughts.

Escape!!!

Yet paralyzed.
Even tears have fled the scene…
   Silently screaming
IN PANIC!!!!!

Yet remaining
   Deadly
      Still.
ã22 October 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

I’ve Heard This One Before

I’ve Heard This One Before

Oh, little one, stop crying now,
For you are now safe and sound.
Just settle down within my arms.
Let your heart now cease to pound.

Rest your head upon my chest
And rest your troubled mind.
It really is quite pleasant, dear,
To take you from behind.

No, don’t scream from pain or fear.
Don’t anyone disturb.
You’re all right within my arms,
So don’t you me perturb!

There, there, it’s over now.
That wasn’t so very bad.
It’s just because I love you so.
Now aren’t you very glad?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

So When Will I Be Good Enough?

Mommy, where are you?
I need you right now!
I’ve always tried to please you,
But could you please tell me how?

It seems the very best I do
Is never really enough
To meet your expectations of me,
So you treat me very rough.

Am I really so offensive
That you cannot treat me right?
Isn’t it cruel to say one day
That you just might…

…might what?
Am I not allowed to know?
Or is this just your way to say
You’ll keep me under toe?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh Daddy

Daddy, oh daddy,
Please love your little girl.
I’m scared, oh so frightened.
Let me in your lap curl.

Daddy, oh daddy,
I am a wee, wee tot.
I only want to laugh and play.
I don’t know what’s right, what’s not.

But daddy, oh my daddy,
I do not understand
Why you say you love me,
But on the other hand…

…daddy? Oh daddy?
Why does your love hurt so?
Why does what should bring me up
Make me feel so low?
ã19 June 1992, Daphne Yvonne Bradshaw.